I told myself it was over.
I told myself I was better.
I stacked the clean days like trophies—
proof that I had outrun the darkness for good.
But addiction doesn’t care about the stories you tell yourself.
It waits.
It knows your weak spots better than you do.
And when it hits, it doesn’t come with a warning.
One bad day.
One bad decision.
One slip.
And suddenly, everything I fought so hard for felt like it shattered at my feet.
The Shame is Loud
The worst part wasn’t the relapse itself.
It was what came after.
The shame.
The voice in my head saying, “See? You’re still the same screw-up. You’re never going to change.”
The fear that everyone who believed in me was wrong.
The fear that maybe I really wasn’t worth saving after all.
I wanted to disappear.
Hide under the weight of my own failure.
Give up, because why even try if this was just who I was?
What They Don’t Tell You About Starting Over
Everyone talks about rock bottom.
No one talks about how hard it is to get back up when you hit it again.
There’s a shame that comes with falling after you’ve already climbed out.
Like you had your shot and you wasted it.
Like you’re not allowed to ask for help again.
But here’s what I learned the hard way:
Recovery isn’t one big victory.
It’s a thousand tiny ones.
And sometimes, it’s forgiving yourself for every fall along the way.
How I Found My Way Back (Again)
I had to make a choice.
Stay down and let it define me—
or stand up, broken, shaking, furious, and try again.
I didn’t feel brave.
I didn’t feel strong.
But I chose to fight anyway.
One more meeting.
One more apology.
One more night getting through the cravings.
One more chance I had to give myself, even when I didn’t think I deserved it.
And slowly, the days started stacking up again.
Not clean. Not perfect.
But real.
Honest.
Mine.
If You’re Ashamed Too
If you’re sitting there right now, sick with regret, hating yourself for slipping—
I need you to hear me:
You are not your relapse.
You are not your mistake.
You are not hopeless.
You’re still breathing.
You’re still here.
You still have a chance to get back up.
And you are still worth the fight.
Even broken.
Even bruised.
Even after falling again.
Especially after falling again.
